So my original "sober date" was May 15, 2010...well I had to change it back to May 23, 2010. No one knows this but me and that's how it will probably stay. It's embarrassing to show your weaknesses to the people that love you, so it's my little secret. I guess that's not how I should look at it, but that's how I'm dealing with it for now.
The past couple of weeks have been kind of easy actually. Sunday is always the hardest day for me, because it's an easy day at work with people easily giving out liquor and doing it along with you. Last Sunday I was too sick to go to work, so it was easy passing this week...but what about this weekend? Will I be able to stay away from it and not get caught up in the game of "How much can we get away with today?" I hope so. I have to keep telling myself, this is for me. This is not for anybody else but me. If I don't stop drinking, it's going to ruin my health, make it harder to maintain my health, ruin or end my marriage and also ruin the relationships I have with my friends and family. I have to do this because of me...for me. It seems so easy to "quit", when you're still drinking and no one else knows. It's like being two-faced or something. As long as I don't get too smashed and no one can tell or smell it on me, then I didn't do it! What a crazy way to think, eh? I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels this way or has done this on the side as well. Do I want to keep drinking? Sure, who doesn't. It seems so much easier to get through anything; work, stress, money problems, hanging out with friends...then I drink and it's no longer fun...for me or anybody else. I am an emotional drinker, the more I drink the more emotion comes out...good or bad. And usually it's bad. If I could only be one of those happy drinkers. Not possible in my scenario. So it's lead me to this, not drinking anymore. I have a very hard time calling myself an alcoholic, I guess I'm not there yet. I have to go through the stage of denial first, right?
So, this is me sharing what's in my mind and heart with complete strangers and my inner self. It feels good to get out emotions and feelings that no one really understands, until it happens to them as well. If you do read this blog, thanks for sharing a little piece of me and being there to write to and be able to get it all out and out of the mind. Thank you!
Comments
2010-06-0809:05:31 So many things in your blog reminded me of me. I am still struggling everyday with recovery. But like Tanya said above it all comes down to willingness. And honesty. And sometimes I have neither. But I'm working on it. All we can do is our best and be there for one another. Thank you so much for sharing.
Julie
2010-06-0808:39:07 Thanks for posting Kyndal, Glad you're here
2010-06-0721:26:02 Hi Kyndal,
I am new to this site, and have been on other recovery sites. I hope this is a safe one here.
It takes a lot to be honest in talking about your feelings and but what you need to do is get honest with yourself. Being honest is the first step, the 2nd is willingness to do something to change.,
To thine own self be true.
I only have 2 months sober and July 1st I will have 3 months, this is a progressive fatal disease. I had 14 years sober, relapsed, and picked up right where I left off, not start over, 2 months relapse, 3 years sober, then relapse again for 1 night, and wound up in jail. Beginning of January I wound up in the hospital, with no clue of how I got there, and 2 trips to the psych. ward.
This disease will kill me…and I have to do the work to stay sober every day…and it's not just don't take a drink.
God bless,
Tanya